The question then becomes, what do we do with the hole in our heart when our loved one has died? How does one support someone who has lost someone they deeply love?

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In this series of articles, I will explore how deep pain from loss manifests in everyday life. Through client stories (shared with their permission), I will provide insights into what grief has felt like for them, what they needed from others, and how they found ways to move forward. I will also share personal reflections on losing my brother 30 years ago, my husband four years ago, and both of my parents within the past year.

 

Death, grief, and terminal illness are subjects we often avoid. Talking to someone who is grieving can feel uncomfortable. We worry about saying the wrong thing, triggering emotions, or causing more heartache. These feelings are normal, but as a society, we must challenge ourselves to confront the inevitability of death.

 

Accepting that we will all experience grief at some point allows us to approach life more thoughtfully.  

If we can open the door to conversations about death and grief, perhaps we can also learn to live more fully. I hope these articles encourage you to reflect on these complex topics and even engage in exercises I will offer along the way. Sitting with discomfort can be a powerful teacher, guiding us toward growth and greater understanding. By expanding our vocabulary and opening our hearts to grief and the pain of loss, we might learn to show up more fully for others and ourselves. In doing so, we may also begin to live our lives more intentionally and thoughtfully.  

 

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I participated in a research project with Duke Hospital that focused on end-of-life planning for individuals with stage IV breast cancer. The study provided an online guide to help participants create wills and articulate their wishes for the end of their lives. I had the privilege of checking in with these women through phone and FaceTime calls. Some were eager to discuss their plans and the emotions surrounding their anticipatory grief; others were not ready to talk.  

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The conversations I had with those who were willing to be open with me were some of the most profound of my life. Over time, I built trust and learned about their families, their struggles, and their fierce desire to keep living. One theme emerged consistently: These women felt alone. They shared that their loved ones often perceived these discussions as a sign of giving up, making it difficult to have open and honest conversations about their end-of-life wishes.  

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To help, I offered them a phrase:

 

“I am planning for the end of my life thoughtfully,

so that I can fully live my life now, as intentionally as possible.”

 

This approach helped bridge the gap between planning for the inevitable and embracing the present. Constructive conversations about our wishes for the end of life not only ease the burden on our loved ones, but also provide them with a more straightforward path to navigate their grief when the time comes.  

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For those currently grieving, I hope to honor the pain and hurt you feel. My goal is to help you feel less alone. Grief can be isolating, but sharing stories and experiences can create a sense of connection and understanding.  

 

In this six-part series, I aim to create something that feels more like letters to the community, as letters carry a sense of intimacy and personal connection, which feels appropriate for the deeply profound topics of death and grief. Through this format, I hope to offer comfort and insight, a sense of shared humanity, and perhaps even a path toward healing.  

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Grief is not something we overcome; it is something we learn to carry.

 

By exploring these topics together, I hope we can all find ways to live more fully — while holding space for the love and loss that shape our lives. 

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Allison Daily is the Executive Director and Head Grief Counselor of Pathfinders.